emotional and sexual intimacy

I found the following descriptions of what sexual and emotional intimacy might look like and am posting them here for future reference. I believe both are equally important, in addition to spiritual intimacy.


Emotional Intimacy:

Many couples never make it to emotional intimacy because it is in emotional intimacy where you must accept the person for whom he or she is without reservation, flaws, irrationality and all. At this level, you feel comfortable sharing yourself without fear of repercussions. On a daily basis, both parties feel comfortable to voice and share their anger, happiness, secrets, sensual side and sexual feelings. You know you are loved and love your partner no matter how either of you feel or act.

Emotional Intimacy


Sexual Intimacy:

Anyone can have sex; it takes something special go from physical activity to intimacy. Sexual intimacy involves the full range of sensual perception including touch, kiss, looks, expressions of endearment, (the exchanging of gifts and favors for events and just because), communication, comments and of course, intercourse and orgasm. The key to sexual intimacy is sexual liberation, a state that takes time, patience and tremendous trust to reach.

Sexual liberation is the right to accept or decline advances without fear of ridicule, rape or coercion. If wife withholds sex regularly as a tool of manipulation, sexual liberation has not been achieved. If a man withholds sex due to physical problems without making his partner aware of these, such as embarrassment over erectile dysfunction or a lack of desire due to stress, sexual intimacy has not been achieved, (this also would fall under emotional intimacy). Likewise if a woman continually fakes orgasm and is afraid to talk with her partner about it and seek a solution together...you got it, she and her partner have not achieved sexual intimacy. With sexual liberation, even embarrassing subjects like the inability to orgasm, herpes, past rapes, not being a virgin or being a virgin, sexual fears or loss of function, though difficult to bring up, should never make you feel like you will lose your partner should these be disclosed. If you feel that telling this issue may cause him/her to leave, you don't have trust. Without trust, you do not have intimacy. This is also why waiting to delve into sexual intimacy is recommended until after you've achieved a majority of elements in the preceding six. Trust takes time, a lot of time, to develop.

Sexual Intimacy

"Sex is the woman's right, not the man's"

Googling around for quotes supporting the fact that sex is more than a physical act led me to finding this faaaaaacinating article about sex under the Torah. I found this particular paragraph very interesting, to say the least:

Kosher Sex

"Sex is the woman's right, not the man's. A man has a duty to give his wife sex regularly and to ensure that sex is pleasurable for her. He is also obligated to watch for signs that his wife wants sex, and to offer it to her without her asking for it. The woman's right to sexual intercourse is referred to as onah, and is one of a wife's three basic rights (the others are food and clothing), which a husband may not reduce. The Talmud specifies both the quantity and quality of sex that a man must give his wife. It specifies the frequency of sexual obligation based on the husband's occupation, although this obligation can be modified in the ketubah (marriage contract). A man may not take a vow to abstain from sex for an extended period of time, and may not take a journey for an extended period of time, because that would deprive his wife of sexual relations."

Kosher Sex

Wow!! Must look into this more!

how to treat a woman

flowers on my friend's porch, summer 2008

"Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man's rib. Not from his feet to be walked on. Not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved." ~ written in the Hebrew Talmud

when things weren't so blissful

"Broken Heart" by Kathy Canfield Shepard

My husband wrote this on his blog back on November 21, 2007. It was brought to my remembrance through a post by Sensuous Wife, a woman whom I find myself connecting with, thinking about, and praying for.

My guy titled this "My Friend", because at the time that he wrote it, this really was where we were at. It was more than a matter of needing our love rekindled, it had to be re-created.

My friend

Years ago, I hurt my friend
crushed something very deep within.
Some part of her unseen but lost
was covered by an early frost.
I did not know what I had done
and now our friendships come undone.
My friend and I have grown apart
and now we both have broken hearts.
The hurt I did, I now confess
and pray to God to heal this mess.
Were I to have another chance,
I'd let my friend enjoy her dance.
I'd cherish her and what is more,
I'll help her find her wings to soar.
Oh Jesus Christ please heal her pain,
so that we can be friends again.

You know what? God answered his prayers, and more. :o)

seeds of success / seeds of failure

a late summer scene from my yard, which is currently covered in snow!

"In your marriage, I strongly believe that the seeds of success are already present but, realistically, so are the seeds of failure. The choice really boils down to which seeds you are going to feed, water, and cultivate. In most cases, beautiful marriages are the result of a long series of right choices you've made along the way, and miserable marriages are the result of a long series of poor choices you've made." ~ Zig Ziglar, "Courtship After Marriage"

some women are wild horses ~ part 3

wild mare and foal
I found these notes at the website linked below. I can't help but translate this information to the woman who is a wild horse.

"The horse is just a horse with one primary motivation – finding a safe place to be. His safety is foremost in his mind.

Safety comes before food, before sex, before play, and way before working and partnering with humans. In fact, all those needs must be met before the horse can focus on relating to a human being, and the feeling of safety must remain within the horse while he is doing whatever we may ask of him. Yet, horse people frequently ignore this fundamental fact.

Tom Dorrance used to say, “They’ll get to feel like you could ride them up a telephone pole or down a badger hole.” They become that confident under saddle, if you keep them feeling safe.

That sounds easy enough, until you try it. How do you give the horse a safe place to be?

* First, you must appear to your horse as a calm, assertive, and strong leader – in every situation. When the hurricane of terror sweeps him away, you must be the calm in the eye of the storm, totally unflappable, calm, assertive, and strong, even in the worst of storms.

* Second, you must direct the horse’s energy. You do not try to control or contain it. There are thousands of gadgets, tie-downs, severe bits, stud chains and the like, all designed to contain and control the horse. Using these devices is a recipe for disaster – an attempt to employ pain to control fear. Energy bottled up and contained with no easy outlet for release is the definition of a bomb. Horse people ride powder kegs all the time! The more you contain the energy, the higher the pressure builds, until it finally explodes. Do you know what riders say then? - It just came out of nowhere!

It didn’t come out of nowhere. The energy was contained, wrapped up tight like a stick of dynamite - until the fuse ran out."

I can't help but see a lot of parallels between a horse's needs and a free-spirited woman's needs. She needs a strong, self-assured and calm man. Uh, you can ignore the part about a saddle though. That just ain't gonna cut it with us wild ones. You're just gonna have to grab hold and hope you can stay on for the ride. ;o)

Here's the full article below:

Suite 101 - Fearful Horses: Building Your Horse's Confidence

some women are wild horses ~ part 2

Written by my incredibly wise and enlightened husband in July 2008. He wrote this after realizing that for many years he had taken me for granted. To be fair, I had taken him for granted too. For him to understand me in ways he hasn't before, well, I can't help but be deeply grateful to God for giving me such a wonderful and affirming man.

You can see it in their eyes...the fire, the knowing look, the sense of purpose. It's an inner strength, a deeply complex personality that defies all efforts to be controlled by others. You can't put your finger on it, but it's there...it's real, it's unmistakable. It's a passion, be it ever so quiet, that dwells just below the surface in many women. It's a desire to be free, to run, to pursue the desires of one's heart. To learn, to create, to develop God-given giftings and explore the world as they see it. In many ways, this passion, this need to be free can only be compared to the strength and passion of a wild horse...free, unbridled and strong.

"Love does not dominate; it cultivates." ~ Johann Wolfgang Goethe