emotional and sexual intimacy

I found the following descriptions of what sexual and emotional intimacy might look like and am posting them here for future reference. I believe both are equally important, in addition to spiritual intimacy.


Emotional Intimacy:

Many couples never make it to emotional intimacy because it is in emotional intimacy where you must accept the person for whom he or she is without reservation, flaws, irrationality and all. At this level, you feel comfortable sharing yourself without fear of repercussions. On a daily basis, both parties feel comfortable to voice and share their anger, happiness, secrets, sensual side and sexual feelings. You know you are loved and love your partner no matter how either of you feel or act.

Emotional Intimacy


Sexual Intimacy:

Anyone can have sex; it takes something special go from physical activity to intimacy. Sexual intimacy involves the full range of sensual perception including touch, kiss, looks, expressions of endearment, (the exchanging of gifts and favors for events and just because), communication, comments and of course, intercourse and orgasm. The key to sexual intimacy is sexual liberation, a state that takes time, patience and tremendous trust to reach.

Sexual liberation is the right to accept or decline advances without fear of ridicule, rape or coercion. If wife withholds sex regularly as a tool of manipulation, sexual liberation has not been achieved. If a man withholds sex due to physical problems without making his partner aware of these, such as embarrassment over erectile dysfunction or a lack of desire due to stress, sexual intimacy has not been achieved, (this also would fall under emotional intimacy). Likewise if a woman continually fakes orgasm and is afraid to talk with her partner about it and seek a solution together...you got it, she and her partner have not achieved sexual intimacy. With sexual liberation, even embarrassing subjects like the inability to orgasm, herpes, past rapes, not being a virgin or being a virgin, sexual fears or loss of function, though difficult to bring up, should never make you feel like you will lose your partner should these be disclosed. If you feel that telling this issue may cause him/her to leave, you don't have trust. Without trust, you do not have intimacy. This is also why waiting to delve into sexual intimacy is recommended until after you've achieved a majority of elements in the preceding six. Trust takes time, a lot of time, to develop.

Sexual Intimacy

a sexually unresponsive wife

This morning I feebly attempted to share some thoughts on a public forum to a husband who has a wife that is a refuser. He's fed up, resents his wife, and resents God for not fixing the problem. He struggles with how he chooses to cope. Really, if we were honest, we might feel the exact same way. By the way, a 'refuser' is a spouse that could easily live without sexual intimacy and tries to avoid it. From what I've seen, this problem is experienced among men and women alike.

Looking back, I cringe at my audacity in being so blunt, but alas, this is what I said to him:

Perhaps God hasn't answered your prayers because of your own stubbornness. PLEASE don't take that as criticism. I can be the queen of stubbornness, but it has only been through hardship and struggles that God has refined me and pressured me (through the hardship) to grow in maturity and humility. It could be that you thinking that God should have intervened in her heart by now indicates that you are thinking it's all her. Perhaps God is waiting for you to look at yourself. After all, in the end, it's all about the person we see in the mirror. It could be that you're playing the blame game.

When I see you say things like "if only DW would snap out of it", it's no wonder that things are not getting resolved.

You've said that "her sex drive is the problem". Do you know that you are a huge factor in her sex drive? Do you court your wife? Do you woo her? I think when we're married we soon forget that spouses should never stop being lovers. They should never stop romancing each other, in NON-sexual ways. If your wife is not responding, have you looked at where you could be dropping the ball?

You help her through her dramas, giving her advice. You've said that this should be meeting her intimacy needs. Be careful that you are not doing this SO you are meeting her needs, but doing it because from the bottom of your heart you WANT to meet her needs. A woman, subconsciously probably, can tell the difference, at least in her heart. Listening to her problems and offering advice is just a drop in the bucket of how to love your wife.

As far as your salvation, you need to STOP that negative talk right now. A Christian is not a perfect person, without sin. A Christian can be struggling with very dark sinful things, but that doesn't mean they are lost. You need to meditate on God's grace and mercy. I'd really dig into the Word, do some googling, and retrain your mind to stand against those kinds of thoughts that wish to make you give up. Essentially, they are meant to give yourself over to sin, because what's the point in resisting if you're lost anyways. It's from the pit.

I hope I haven't come across as being harsh. Believe me, I am FOR you. May God open up your eyes and heart to what He's trying to teach you, and to how much He deeply loves you, despite what the enemy would lead you to think. This all is just as much about you, as it is about her.

Blessings!!

I'm only going by my own personal experience, but one can't deny that it's human nature to blame the other guy, isn't it?

Hubby and I have a book order coming from Bookcloseouts, which includes Zig Ziglar's book, "Courtship After Marriage: Romance Can Last a Lifetime".

Here's a quote I snatched from an exerpt at Amazon.com:

As your marriage endures and grows, you recognize that the real long-range benefit of a solid marriage comes from the security of knowing you have someone who accepts you, loves you, understands you, is a real helpmate, encourager, and supporter; one who is loyal to you and delights in pleasing you because you have first of all done and been all of those things to your spouse.

Here's a synopsis of his book, of which I'm very excited about reading:

Romance doesn't have to fade. That warm, loving, respectful commitment you made to your spouse when you said "I do" can stay--and even grow stronger--throughout your years together. Zig Ziglar's commonsense approach, which includes examples from life, helpful personal anecdotes, scientific data, and provocative quizzes, will help you keep your romance alive. Inside, you'll find: Six steps for "starting over" -- no matter how long you've been married; Strategies to avoid the "Three A's of Divorce"; Advice to revive romance and keep sexuality sizzling, and much more. PLUS--a unique sixty-six question survey to evaluate the state of your marriage--both before and after you read this book!

the outcome of a marital wake-up call, and why i'm starting yet another blog

his puzzle. my coffee.
I've wanted to start a blog dedicated to the subject of marriage for awhile now, especially in light of this soon-to-be-drawing-to-a-close year my hubby and I just went through. Very long-standing problems (probably 16 years worth) were finally dealt with, and with a very fine toothed comb at that. It had to get worse before it got better, but it was all worth it. It's been our most blessed year yet, and it just keeps getting better.

Here's something I said to someone recently:

...Being freed from expectations was necessary due to my husband's former attitude towards sex. He thought "quantity, not quality". I had come to feel like a sex object. We had sex, but no sexual intimacy. We had love, but were not lovers. My husband came to realize how much this had hurt my feelings for him, and prayed for me to be healed, and for him to be healed. Well God truly blessed us with a paradigm shift, We could write a book!

I must also say that all of this has been such a blessing to my dear man because he says it's thrilling to have a wife that wants him. Since our marriage has been healed, no other man understands me like he does, exhorts me spiritually as he does, blesses me by making me feel honored and respected like he does, wants the best for me like he does. All he expects from me is that I accept his tender love. That makes him the most attractive man in the world.

How personal I plan to get on here has yet to be decided. I see other Christian women's blogs of the same flavour get quite candid and I'm sure it's a blessing to many people. The subject of sex in marriage is a vastly neglected one, especially in the greater Christian community. Still, I've been shocked and delighted to find that the "prude Christian" is the exception, and not the rule. Very cool.